Hangad Ko’y Kapayapaan at Kaligayahan (ni L.D. San Juan)

Kay dami ng nais kong iparating…
Kay dami ng gusto kong iparinig…
Ngunit alam kong may masasaktan ako…
Na lalo lamang hindi ikatatahimik ng kalooban ko.

Nais kong ilabas lahat ng sama ng loob ko
Gusto kong sumigaw, at ihiyaw ang galit ko
Nais kong magwala ngunit ako’y nangangamba
Baka pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito’y hindi na nila ako makilala.

Napakaraming tanong ang gusto kong malinawan
Ngunit pagkakataon ay ayaw akong pagkalooban
Napakaraming hinanakit ang aking nais na kalimutan
Kaya’t ang kalooba’y naghahangad ng kapayapaan.

Saan ko nga ba matatagpuan ang kapayapaang hinahangad?
Saan ako dapat tumungo upang ang hapdi ay maibsan?
Nais ko nang lumaya sa kalungkutan at paghihirap ng kalooban…
Nais ko nang makamtan ang walang hanggang kaligayahan.



Leonelen Domingo San Juan
Marso 26, 2010/1:30 a.m./Biyernes
St. Andrew’s Seminary, Quezon City

Ang tulang ito ay patungkol sa saloobin ng manunulat. Kapayapaan ng Kalooban at Kaligayahan ay nais niyang makamtan. Sa kanyang mga pinagdaanang mga pagsubok, ang kanyang puso at isipan ay puno na ng pagdaramdam. Ngunit hindi siya makahanap ng paraan upang ang mga ito’y kanyang malampasan. Kaya’t tanging mga katanungan na lamang ang namamayani sa kanyang patuloy na pagharap sa buhay.

 

May Pag-Asa Pa Kaya? (ni L.D.San. Juan)

Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong malungkot o maging masaya nang nadiskubre kong isa ka na ring lingkod ng Diyos, ngunit sa ibang paniniwala. Lalo na yatang lumabo ang inaasam kong may bukas para sa Ikaw at Ako.

May balang-araw kaya tayong dalawa? May bukas kaya na magiging akin ka? May darating bang oras na sasabihan mo akong "Mahal Kita..."? O mas dapat kong pakaisipin na walang nakatakdang panahon para sa atin.

Baka nga hindi talaga tayo para sa isa't isa. Baka nga wala na rin sa isip mo ang magkaroon ng sariling pamilya.

Hanggang kailan ako dapat mag-isip, magtanong, magmuni-muni kung may pag-asa pa kaya? Baka mas magandang hindi na, dahil sa relihiyon pa lang, tunay na tayong magkaiba.

"Ber Months" of My Past (by L.D.San Juan)

This "Ber months" reminds me of the kind of love and care that I'm looking for from someone. Even though we're not given the chance to have our own happy ending, the thought that I've learned to fight for our love, to love despite the miles between us, and to handle a relationship with someone in ministry, I'm still thankful to Him for our time. As the saying goes, "Once we have loved someone, we'll never stop loving them.", I know, I will love a new one, but would not be the same love that I've given you. Thank you for making me happy for some time.

Posted in Facebook on Sept. 2, 2015

May Bukas Ba Para Sa Atin? (ni L.D.San Juan)

Malalim ang gabi na naman.
Naiisip na naman kita.
Imbes na natutulog na ako,
Hindi makatulog sa kakaisip sa iyo.

Kumusta ka na ba?
Maraming taon na kitang hindi nakikita.
Pero bakit kaya sa kabila ng lahat,
Ay naiisip pa rin kita, at umaasang muli tayong magkikita?

May nakalaan kayang bukas para sa atin?
May tamang panahon kaya para ika'y maging akin?
Mga bata pa tayo noon, teenager at high school student,
Pero pagtingin ko'y hindi nagbabago mula pa noon.

Ilang pagmamahalan ang pinagdaanan ko,
Ilang relasyon na hindi sa altar humantong.
Sa tuwing single ako at hindi naghahanap,
Isip at puso ko'y sa iyo nakatuon.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito,
Sa kabila ng mahabang panahon na wala ka sa paningin ko,
Na kahit dalawang dekada na ang dumaan,
Nananatiling ikaw ang sa huli'y naaalala ko.

Ang mga ngiti mo'y nananatili sa isip ko,
Ang boses mong hindi man kagandahan ay parang musikang aking napapakinggan.
Ang pagiging suplado na kailanma'y hindi nakabawas sa iyong kaguwapuhan,
Lahat ng iyan ay nakatatak na sa aking puso't isipan,

Isang tanong ang sa akin ay nagpapagulo,
Dahil hindi ko alam kung saan mahahanap ang sagot na kailangan ko.
Hindi ko alam kung tama bang pagtuunan ko ng pansin ito.
Sa kinabukasan ba natin ay magkakaroon ng Ikaw, Ako, at Tayo?

Ang Landas ng Sunflower Maze (ni L.D. San Juan)

Papasok ka sa loob ng mga baging ng Ampalaya, kung saan ang mapapait na alaala ang nasa iyong gunita.

Sa daan ay may kubo kung saan ay maaari kang magpahinga, kung makaramdam ka na ng pagod, at panghihina dahil sa malulungkot na alaala.

Makakakita ka ng mga bulaklak na malulungkot ang aura, na nang dahil sa pagbuhos ng ulan ay nangalanta, na parang tao na nagdurusa.

Sa daan ay matatagpuan mo ang animo Swan o upuan na hugis puso, at matatagpuan rin ang isang bisikleta at bota na parang nagsasabing umusad ka pa.

Kapag nakalabas ka na sa maze ay kasunod nito ang mga bulaklak, at may sasakyan din, na iba’t ibang kulay at kaygaganda, na parang nagsasabing kaunting usad pa.

Dahil sa dulo ay matatagpuan ang dalawang drum na may mukha, na parang nagsasabing “may forever talaga, hija”.

Hindi kaya ang Sunflower Maze na ito ay para sa mga nagmo-move on?

Wala lang. Naisip ko lang. Baka iyon talaga ang tunguhin ng pagtahak sa Sunflower Maze na nakakatuwa.


(written last May 7, 2017)

Thinking of "My Cradle"? (by L.D.San Juan)

It's been years.
It's been so many years.
But still I am trying to get your attention.
No replies.
No violent reactions.
Or you're not even reading my messages.

I still remember your birthday.
And I keep on sending you a greeting when it came.

Two decades had gone by from the time I fell in love.
Two decades of admiring you despite of being unnoticed.
Two decades of living with our own lives, but you're not even forgotten.

We both went through some failed relationships.
We're both busy with our chosen career.
But the truth is, you're still in my heart.

I am still hoping that one day, we would see each other again.
I still remember you.
I still remember the feeling I had for you.

All I want to know now is...
How are you "my Cradle"?

Why people fall in love?

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery how it
happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why
some love grows and it is a mystery why some love fails.

You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and
causes, but you will never do anymore that take the life out
of the experience. Just as life itself is more than the sum of
the bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body,
love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions
and commonalities that two people share. And just as life
itself is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the
coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that
cannot be questioned in its ways.

Sometimes, hopefully at least once in your life - the gift of
love will come to you in full flower. Take hold of it and
celebrate it in all inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we
all share. More often, it will come and take hold of you,
celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on.

When this happen to young people, they too often try to
grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is a
gift that just as freely, moves away. When they fall out of
love, or the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving,
they try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost rather
than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on.

They want answers where there are no answers. They
want to know what is wrong in them that makes the other
person no longer love them, or try to get their love to change,
thinking that if some small things were different, love would
bloom again. They blame their circumstances and say that if
they go far away and start a new life, their love will grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what has happened. But
there is no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they
accept its own mysterious ways, they live in a sea of misery.

You need to know this about love, and accept it. You need to
treat what it brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in
love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with
yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't
choose to rest in the other person's heart.

If you find yourself someone in love with you but you don't
love him back, feel honored that love came and called at your
door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not
take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with love
is how you deal with yourself. All our hearts feel the same
pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you,
and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it nor to
assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a
meaning. You will know in time.

Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All
you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it
comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing,
then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person
who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it
poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

There is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long
without love, they understand love only as a need. They see
their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and
they begin to look at love as something that flows to them
rather than from them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as
their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need.
They cease to be someone who generates love and instead
become someone who seeks love. They forget that the
secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to
grow only by giving it away.

Remember this and keep it to your heart. Love has its time, its
own season, its own reason for coming and going. You
cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can
only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it
comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or
from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and
there is nothing you should do. Love always has been and
always will be a mystery. BE GLAD THAT IT CAME TO LIVE
FOR A MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE.

If you keep you heart open, it will come again...

a thought in my mind...

Wen ur
stuck luving
someone,

No matter how
hard u
try to forget
dt person,
8s just
not enough...

Sometimes,
all we can
do is
stay away,
nd it does help a bit,

but just for a while,

Coz when dt person
shows you
even the smallest
gestures of affection,

all your efforts
of moving on
go down the drain

And ur left alone again
with nothing else
to say
but

.... damn...


I just fell for that again...

Ghosts of a Holiday Past (Don't get lost in the memory of an ex)

Source: California Psychics

The holidays can be tough - particularly if you're single and broken hearted. It doesn't matter whether the breakup was last week, last month or even last year (or if prior to Thanksgiving weekend, you were certain you were over it!), in your mind, you're alone and cold and miserable while everyone else is joyful and excited and living in romantic (if over-scheduled) bliss.

Or so it seems to you as you sip one too many glasses of mulled wine by yourself watching romantic holiday movies in front of the TV - the very same TV that touts all the gifts we should be buying for that special someone - or they should be buying for you! Indeed, more than any other time of year, love is everywhere at the holidays (albeit with a heavily consumerist slant). As such, it's easy to drift off into happier times… times when you were in loooovveee.

But before you get totally lost in the ghosts of your past, take a tip from Ebeneezer Scrooge himself. Sure, look back - but only for as long as it takes to make you see the present more clearly - and (most importantly) to help you change your future.

A haunted past
There is nothing wrong with looking back fondly on a relationship you once had. In fact, it's healthy. The problem, however, comes when you only remember the good and you waste your time longing for something that is not only gone, but by and large gone for a very good reason. Now your ex may have been perfect (though it's not likely), and last Christmas season may have been the best of your life (so far anyway)… But more so than all the could've, should've, would've thinking, remember that time is a valuable commodity, and as long as you're living in the past, you're losing out on the most precious moments of all - right now!

Here and nowHere is where your power lies. You cannot change the past, and the future remains fluid based on what you choose to do with it. However, this very moment - right now - you have the control in your life. So if you want to have a sad day of remembrance for lost love, go for it. But don't spend your whole season living in times gone by. Instead, make new memories.
Bag romance
We often make the mistake of thinking that the holidays are all about romantic love, when really they're about familial sharing and generosity. Whether your family is the people you grew up with or some other conglomeration of friends, there are bound to be those in your life who you value. Dedicate this season to spending time with them - and letting them know how much they mean to you. The spirit of sharing says nothing about requiring a lover, so don't let your singlehood stop you from having fun (or feeling happy for those who are coupled up around you). Ironically, the more you partake in holiday cheer (not the kind that comes in a bottle, incidentally!), the more likely a lover is to come along.

The ghost of holidays to come
The holiday season is a magical time by all accounts - it's also a perfect time for making magic of the manifestation variety. After all, the world comes alive all around us, and emboldened by this unique energy, we tend to reach out more. Why not reach inside as well?
Take a little time this holiday to make your wish list for next year. If it's love you're after, picture what it looks like. No, not what your lover will physically appear as (although you can!), but rather, how you want to feel in a relationship. Decide who you'll be in a relationship (ideally, your very best you) and genuinely open yourself up to the possibilities. Who knows, love may come around sooner than you think… certainly sooner than if you spend your December days dreaming of a ghost!

Tugon - Pasasalamat sa Inyong Pakikiramay (by L.D.San Juan)

Nasaksihan namin ang mga hirap na pinagdaanan niya mula noong ika – 17 ng Setyembre. Naranasan niya ang pagtaas at pagbaba ng kanyang sugar, ang ilang beses na nasalinan ng dugo, ang may nakakabit na dextrose sa loob ng ilang linggo, at ang pananatiling may oxygen sa loob ng 24 na oras.

At noon ngang ika – 27 ng Nobyembre, ay naganap ang isang malungkot na pangyayari, ang pagpanaw sa mundong ating kinalakhan.

Dahil dito, ilang mahahalagang bagay ang naglalaro sa aking isip, o maaaring sa mga taong naririto’y nananahan din ang mga katotohanang ito...

Ang makasaysayan niyang buhay ay natapos na.
Ang makabuluhan niyang paglilingkod ay isa na lamang alaala.
Ang kanyang mga aral, pag – aalaga at pagmamahal ay mananatili sa ating mga gunita.
Sapagkat sa mga oras na ito, siya’y kapiling na ng ating Ama.
Masaya na siya sa lugar, kung saan siya ngayon ay naninirahan na. Masaya na siya sa piling ng ating Panginoong lumikha. Ngunit hindi natin maikakaila na sa kanyang pagkawala, ay naiwan ang aming pamilya na puno ng lumbay. Lumbay sa pagkawala ng isang mabuting ina, kapatid, pinsan, tiya at lola.

At kayong mga naririto ngayon, kayong aming mga kamag – anak at kaibigan, katulong namin kayo sa pagpapatunay na ang aming kapamilya na si Elena Domingo, ay isang taong maipagmamalaki at dapat tularan. Lalung - lalo na sa usapin ng paglilingkod sa ating simbahan, at pagpapahalaga sa kanyang pamilya.

Kaya’t mula po sa aming pamilya, Patag at Domingo, ay lubos po kaming nagpapasalamat sa mga tulong at suporta na inyong ibinigay at ipinakita sa amin, sa alinmang kaparaanan, pinansiyal, moral at ispirituwal, mula pa noon sa kanyang pagkakasakit hanggang sa pagkakataong ito, ang huling pagkakataon na makikita at makakapiling natin siya.

Muli, marami pong salamat sa inyong lahat at nawa’y tayo ang magpatuloy ng kanyang mga nasimulan, ang paglilingkod ng buong puso sa Diyos at sa ating kapwa.